The Diet Naked Blog

Uncomfortable

I didn't weigh in today.  Had to get up early and get all the kids off to Vacation Bible School by 8:40 a.m. 

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I'm at that stage of chubbiness where I can't find anything to wear.  I'm self-conscious about the roll of fat around my middle.  I am an "apple," roundest at the mid-section.  (I was grateful to have found a stash of size 14 pants that didn't get donated because I thought they were "too nice" to give away last year.   Now I have something to wear while I whittle these pounds off my body again.) 

Today I picked a red shirt, plenty big, but clingy at the fat rolls.  Freaked out by my flabby sides, I chose a "body shaper" to wear under it, a constricting garment designed to smooth out the fat.  And while I chose to believe that the shaper did its magic, I didn't really study myself in the mirror, so perhaps it was a mental trick.

By the time I dropped off the kids and returned from the grocery store, I could hardly wait to rip off that undergarment.  I thought to myself how unique this type of torture is to women.  Do ordinary overweight men wear girdles or complicated waist shapers that cause underwire bra-induced armpit pain by the end of the day?  I think not.  They also opt out of painful footwear, for the most part.

I have no conclusions, just wonderment that we women endure discomfort in our effort to camouflage our bodies, blend in and appear a particular way.

It kind of makes me look forward to being old and infirm when I can wear a long flannel nightgown all day and no one will think any less of me.  (Truth be told, no one cares as much as I do about how I look.)

Fourth of July

Weight:  193.6.

Too tired to talk.

Tomorrow!

Paying attention

Weight:  194.2.

I gain weight when I am not attentive.  I do not pay attention to the scale.  I do not pay attention to portion sizes.  I do not pay attention to hunger or satiety.  I do not pay attention to emotions.

Fatigue distracts me.  The pace of my life distracts me.  Food itself distracts me. 

And so I quit weighing myself, unleash my emotional eating and get fat.

This month is about paying attention.  Thus, the daily weigh-ins.  I need to pay attention to what my body need and feed it appropriately.

Also?  I need to also focus on exercise.  Do you know I haven't exercised this week?   The bathroom calendar does not lie.

Happy Independence Day to my American readers!  And to the rest of you . . . Happy Fourth of July! 

Checking in

I weighed 194.4 today.

Despite working 12 hours, I ate well today.  I did not exercise, choosing a nap over movement. 

That's all for now.  I just want to check in with my weight each day this month.  Carry on!  Go forth and eat vegetables!

July Food Challenge: The beginning

Okay, so I weighed myself today and the scale reported what I suspected.  I weighed 196 today.  Granted, some of that is the bloating from a day of overeating (good grief), but I have a definite weight gain on my hands and abdomen!  However, this month I am going to see the pounds drop off. 

I've decided to weigh myself every day and report it here first thing in the morning.  I'm also going to take a picture later today, so I have a "before" picture.

Despite the horror of being chubby, I have to admit that I'm impressed by my ability to gain weight at such record speed.  I am super-efficient at gaining weight and sugar is the key for me.  Processed foods just seem to convert directly into stored fat on my body.  Should I ever need to fatten up in anticipation of a famine, I will have great success. 

The past six months have been all about losing control and gaining weight.  I'm putting it behind me and looking ahead.  I hate how I feel with this extra weight--ungraceful and sweaty and bloated.

I am ready to change.

Let me introduce myself

Hi!  My name is Melodee.  I plan to lose some weight, starting July 1.

I'm starting over.  Completely over.  I've eaten the Last Supper (including a pint of ice cream).  I am so full I'm not sure I will ever have a hunger pang again. 

Sometime in the past two weeks, I looked ahead and said to myself, "Self, July 1 would be a great date to start over."  Then I though, uh-oh, what about July 4th?  Independence Day?  A holiday?  And I realized that if I waited to get strict with my diet until every possible eating holiday had passed, I'd never get started.  Plus, as I recall, you can get through many holidays not eating white flour, white sugar or white potatoes.  After all, I did that without many slip-ups for almost a whole year.  I can certainly do it again.

I'm going to weigh in tomorrow.  I haven't decided if I will disclose my weight--oh WAIT a minute, I should tell you if I am really going to Diet Naked, right?  Well, I know it will be bad.  I'm quite rotund at the moment.  Anyway, my grand plan is to not weigh in for the whole month . . . just to be vigilant and on track.  However, as I think about it, then I would be deprived of the lovely experience of standing on the scale and seeing a smaller number.

Well, I guess I will decide as I go along.  I do know for sure, though, that my intention is to eliminate white flour, white sugar and white potatoes. 

Oh, and how did my June exercise challenge go?  I managed to exercise 25 out of 30 days, which is pretty good, compared, especially to my 6 out of 30 days the month before.  (Or was it eight?  I can't remember.)

So, who's with me?  Want to be extra-vigilant and determined for a whole month?  Imagine how thrilled we will be on August 1 after we've dropped some pounds!  I will be happy to zip up my summer shorts, which are 5-10 pounds too tight to wear at the moment.  (And I am never going to buy a larger size.  That's how I got into this mess in the first place--upsizing my clothes instead of downsizing my body!)

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You can always read more about my fascinating non-food, non-body-related issues over at Actual Unretouched Photo, where I vow to write every day in July.  Because I am all about overdoing something if I decide to do it at all! 

Not gone

Hey, I know, where have I been?  Truthfully, I've been dealing with stress by overeating, which is stupid.  This time of year should be all about fresh strawberries and sunshine, but we are in the midst of some major life changes which make my 10-year old son sob and make me want to eat something smooth and creamy.

Yeah, I'm not going to weigh in tomorrow because I just can't bear it.  I know that I am gaining weight from how my clothes fit and while it is completely unacceptable to me, my behavior and my thoughts are not in alignment.  Sigh.

I am, however, continuing to exercise this month.  After my first two days of walking, I hobbled around the house, wincing and complaining.  It's remarkable how quickly you can get past that if you just keep moving.  I'm so happy to be walking outdoors in the lovely weather, although I'm conscious of my stomach.  Isn't that crazy?  All I can think about is how fat I look and that thought makes me want to eat something fattening.

I'm swirling in a whirlpool of bad choices. 

I know that the past few months have been full of resolutions and plans and determination . . . but I am going to keep coming up with ideas until I get this ship turned around.  (I am almost as large as a ship and I turn very slowly.)  I am giving myself until July 1 and then no more nonsense.  I'm going to monitor my diet again with the same obsessiveness I did when I began this journey over two years ago.  I tell myself that June was all about exercise.  July will be all about good food.  Put them together by August 1 I will be back in control.  I will.  

And so, that's where I've been.  I did intend to blog yesterday, but somehow got locked out of my blog.  Technical difficulties.

So, it's an unofficial weigh-in day.  Feel free to post your numbers or post your resolutions.  I know I am not alone and that thought has given me strength many times before. 

Ouch

Yesterday, I had a little bit of free time between shifts.  The younger kids were at the pool with my husband.  So I went for a walk.

I returned home an hour and fifteen minutes later with a blister on my toe. 

Today, I thought I'd just ride my exercise bike (easier on the toes!),  but my husband (God bless him) took the kids to the pool again, so I was free to leave the house.  I drove to a nice walking trail and walked for an hour. 

It feels great to walk.  And I am in love with my tiny iPod.  Music in my ears really makes the walk go by quickly and easily.

However. . . OUCH!  I am so sore from the unaccustomed movement that I am hobbling around.  That soreness is that good kind, though, the kind that reminds me that one day I might develop firm muscles instead of floppy fat. 

Also, it's better to never stop walking than to have to break in your feet all over again.  (My shoes are good, it's just that my feet have lost their toughness!)

In lieu of a weigh-in

By the time you read this, I'll be working frantically.  But I want you to have something to read (since you will not read, "Oh, I am at my goal weight, living happily ever after," at least not this week, not in this blog). 

My friend, Annie, is hilarious.  I heart her.

Click here and check out her video blog about (not) losing weight while on a trip.

Thoughts very late at night

My husband decided he needed to lose a few pounds.  He saw a commercial on television and ordered Nutrisystem.  That was in January.

No fuss, no muss, no emotional wrangling.  He just ate what they gave him and once in awhile ate what he wanted.  He lost fifteen or twenty pounds, who really knows since he didn't weigh himself before he started because it didn't matter that much. 

He reached an acceptable weight, saw a bunch of his college buddies at a reunion. 

And then the Nutrisystem meals ran out, he did not reorder and he's back to eating his normal hodge-podge diet without guilt.

I realized yesterday that a ten pound weight gain to him would just be a ten pound weight gain.  To me, a ten pound weight gain is a verdict about my character, a statement about my worth as a human being, a blemish upon my personality.  Losing weight is not a matter of eating less and moving more but an emotional journey replete with anxiety and self-recriminations and agony.

I guess I am not convinced yet that I am more than my body.  The way I see myself is seriously messed up because ten (fifteen?) pounds turned my self-perception from "hey, cute!" to "kill me now, I'm revolting."  And I'm still wearing the same pants, though they are admittedly tighter.  Sometimes I don't think I'd be able to pick myself out of a police line-up.  What do I look like?  Who am I?

My husband thinks I'm perfect the way I am and I do believe he's telling me the (his?)  truth.  I don't think anyone really cares how much I weigh.  Other than me, of course.  I care.  But I'm not sure why I care so much.  The numbers on the scale have too much weight, too much power over me.

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I missed a day of exercise last Friday.  As I brushed my teeth at 11:35 that night, I realized that in the craziness of helping my boys with high school finals and worked nine hours (noon until 9 p.m. with a one-hour break) I had totally forgotten.  However, the next day, I was back on track.  Exercise is good, very very good.